Stop Trying to Impress People: The Listening Habit That Makes You More Likable

The Likability Problem In Plain Sight

SPEAKER_00 0:00

If that is your experience, or if you're finding yourself like, man, I'm talking to a lot of people, but there's no comeback, there's no connection, there's no follow-up, there's none of that. You may be spending too much time being interesting. And the game is be interested. Your resume does not matter in real life. Ooh, hopefully that ruffled your feathers or got your attention. And what I mean specifically is I've been able to see, and actually, I'm guilty of it, of just like bombarding everybody with all the accomplishments, with all the damn things that I've ever been involved with, all my credit certificates and whatever, which is important when I'm like applying for a job, right? Like it, of course, I'm gonna do that on my LinkedIn headline. I'm gonna use fancy wordsmith language so that people understand what value I can deliver to them. Fantastic, right? Except, and here's the problem is we take that type of behavior into face-to-face interactions, and it gets in the way of connection. So, what we're gonna talk about today is the stuff, the cheat codes, the lessons I've learned that help me help people like me more. And it ain't by flooding them with all the magical things that I've accomplished in my life at all. Actually, the less I talk, not just talk about myself, the less I talk, the more people, or the more likely it is that people that are going to like me and appreciate my presence, and then invite me in to you know do some magical stuff for them. And so here is the key thing I want you to take away: be more interested than interesting. When we're trying to be interesting, we're telling everybody all the whiz-bangy things that we do that they never asked for, and all we got to do is be more interested in the person in front of us. If you do that, like brand that into your brain and start focusing or figuring out how to be more interested than interesting,

Why Your Resume Fails Face To Face

SPEAKER_00 2:10

you're gonna have way more impact, you're gonna have way more influence, you're gonna have awesome, more amazing people in your circle, but you got to pump the brakes about letting everybody know how amazing you are. And so, what we're gonna do is we're gonna go over two things: one mind shift and one behavioral shift to help you make that happen. The mind shift is about how we think about things, which is learn more about the person in front of you. The behavioral shift is like the actions, the buttons and levers that we can do to start building that habit. So the mind shift is learn more about the person in front of you. The behavioral shift is ask more questions, and you can see there's a connection, right? And so if you're new here, I'm Jesse, your selfish servant, and I've done a lot of things the wrongest way possible. And I want to help people, construction leaders specifically, but anybody and everybody's welcome, share their gifts and talents to leave the industry better than they found it. That's why I do these things. And guess what? I'm a part of this super amazing community known as the Construction Leadership Lab, where we have these types of conversations, and you are invited to be a part of that experiment. Now, let's get into this thing. So, the goal, what we're working for, the reason I'm flapping my gums is to help you, the listener, or maybe somebody on your team, you can pass this on to them. How to become more likable without, like, you know, have you don't have to be super handsome like me. It really just comes down to talking less. And so I just want to give you an example. Have you ever come across somebody or you know somebody that just let's go back in the day, right? Your high school friends, your middle school friends, your college friends. I I don't have any because I didn't really go to college, but a lot of you have. Think about the person that every time they open their mouth, like anybody brings up a subject, some new experience, a vacation, whatever, and then they jump in. Oh, well, the last time when we went to France, and when I went to Germany, or when I went fishing, I you caught a fish. Well, I caught a bigger fish, and they're like this topper behavior. They cannot help themselves, but tell you how amazing they are. And so, what happens in that moment? Like you're talking, you're sharing your thing, your perspective, your new experience, and they cut you off, and then they tell you all about themselves. My money says you probably don't like that person very much. And I'll go even further, you probably talk smack about them when they're not in the room or want to know, like, is so-and-so gonna be there? That's because they're spending all their time and energy being interesting. They're not doing it to be ugly. A lot of times they're not even aware of it. And if you're that person, I understand I've been there. We think that if we impress everybody in front of us, they will like us more. And that is opposite. That's not what actually happens.

The One Upper Habit That Kills Trust

SPEAKER_00 5:05

So, what we want to do, the shift that I want you to think about is learn more about the person in front of you. And and I'm keeping that kind of broad and loose because sometimes the person in front of you is many people, right? Like, here's another thing. And I do it on the YouTube stuff because it's kind of like it works. But when I'm doing presentations, or anytime you go out there and you're at conferences or whatever, and there's somebody on the stage, and they spend the first 15 minutes talking about all of their credentials and all of the qualifications that makes it, you know, that's why they're up on the stage, or somebody's reading their bio and it's a freaking 10-minute bio. I'm I don't know about you, but I disengage because I'm like, bro, I'm not here to meet and learn how amazing you are. I'm here because I want to pick up some skills and tactics that I can put in my toolbox so I can go out and better serve the people. And so all of the stuff about you is not as important to me as the stuff that you can help me with. And so stop trying to be interesting. The easiest way that I have found uh to like check myself or to gauge and direct my attention when I'm engaging with somebody, especially new people, but even you know, people that I've been in contact with for a long time, is what can I learn about them, especially on first contact? Like if I don't know them, I want to know about them. If I just ask questions and I've done this for years now, it's like, oh man, so why are you here? Why did you why did you decide to come? How many people do you know that are here? What oh, oh, and you know, they give me some intel. Like, oh, sweet. So this thing is interesting to you. Like, how does this apply to some of your bigger goals? Or another, like, here's a fun question I like to ask, especially when I'm just going up to a complete stranger, is like, what's your favorite way to make people laugh? And they're kind of like, what the hell are you talking about? And that just opens the door for us to for them to start communicating and telling me about themselves. And it's not the yucky, they're trying to be interesting, they're just genuinely answering my question. And if I continue to ask questions to be because I'm curious about the person, like that's the key thing. I really gotta rather you really gotta care and be interested about the person, about the thing that they told you, the little tidbit that they just dropped, and say, Oh, tell me more about that. Like, what does that mean? Because you know, people talking acronyms and shit. Um, and so continuing to ask questions about the individual, even in a two or three minute situation, uh, gives me intel. And here's the magic: this is not about manipulation. Now you can use it for that, but the magic is that person feels appreciated and they like you, right? When I'm I'm sure you've come across, well, hold on, let's give a shout out to our friend coming in from LinkedIn land, Shaheer Israel. We've got the high fives. Yes, the high fives coming, folks. Also, I need to say like if you've got a cheat code or a question or a challenge about the thing that we're talking about today, which is making people like you more, drop it in the comments, man. Like, I'm looking for wisdom. Believe me, I am not convinced that my way is the only way, and I am happy to steal tactics that work. So drop them in the comments so we can share with everybody out there in the omniverse.

How Interest Makes People Like You

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Now, how did I discover that learning more about the person in front of me was gonna help me be liked more? It was because there were several people in that at one point in my career that I recognized, like, man, I really like like that dude's cool or she's awesome, man. And and then people would have like, why? I was like, what do you know? They like, what do they do? Oh, I don't know. And I didn't know anything about them. Like, I didn't spend, I didn't ask any questions. I was too busy answering their questions. But because they demonstrated interest in me, I automatically liked them. I thought I saw them as really smart, open-minded people that cared that I wanted to talk to again in the future. And when I really stepped back to like reflect and say, well, what did they do? What did they tell me? Did I like them because of their the number of years they've been in the industry or the number of degrees that they had, or you know, their hobbies, or their you know, six-figure business? Like it was not because I didn't know any of that. All I knew was when I interacted with that person, they were interested in my thinking and the things I was working on, etc. And so I'm like, oh damn. Well, and then on the other hand, like, oh, they have the upper hand because now they got all the intel. I got zero intel on them, which is you know a little shaky, if you will. So, anyways, that's that's where the the awakening happened for me. I'm like, I'm talking to these amazing people, I don't know nothing about them, but I like them and I'm advocating for them to other people. Like, man, you should have a conversation with so-and-so because she's awesome. Like, and then they would ask, I don't know, I don't know anything about them because I wasn't being interested. Now, uh, I know some of you like, but you said don't be interesting. What I'm talking about is are you are you being asked, are you answering questions or are you flooding people with all your magic sauce? Right? We all know the situation when somebody comes up to you and starts telling you all their stuff, you kind of roll your eyes, you smile, and you're looking for a way out. If that is your experience, or if you're finding yourself like, man, I'm talking to a lot of people, but there's no comeback, there's no connection, there's no follow-up, there's none of that, you may be spending too much time being interesting. And the game is be interested. It's even better when you have like the back and forth. They ask you, they're interested in you, and you like, and I do this like now that I understand a little better. Uh, when I meet one of those ballers that's really interested in what you do and what I care about and why I decided to go a certain direction, da-da-da-da. I'll answer the question and now, like, hey, hold on a second. I need to know about you. Like, you're really great at asking questions. Where'd you get that from? Again, it's just me being interested in the person in front of me. Now, this is extremely difficult. If you're the type, like if you have a lot of pressure on you and you need to make a sale, you need to make a conversion, you need to have a meeting set up. It's extremely difficult if you have that pressure because you're gonna feel compelled to push to the next step. So this is a long game tactic, but it's not really long, right? It's just for between now and the next point of contact. And so it's better when I say, okay, yes, I have a lot of things I want to sell and I want to get them in the community and I want them, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want to meet their decision makers. Of course I do, especially if you're operating your

Pressure To Sell Versus Playing Long Game

SPEAKER_00 11:40

own little business, right? Of course. But that doesn't happen have to happen today, doesn't have to happen this minute. We can have a conversation. I can demonstrate interest in the person, and then I can ask them for their phone number or their contact, their card or whatever, so that we can continue having a conversation, which is another interest. Like, man, this is a great conversation. I want to stay in touch, I want to follow up. I have some things that I think might help you. Can I have your card? Can I have your handle, your social media handle or whatever? Um, but it really comes down to the mind shift again. Let's say one more time. The mind shift is learn more about the person or people in front of you. You're going to have to demonstrate some discipline and like ask questions, curious questions about them. If you when you start doing this, more people will like you. Like, I promise, try it. Is it hard? Yes, it is hard. So the mental shift to helping more people like you is like, forget about the resume bullshit, forget about trying to impress them and razzle dazzle them with all the cool things that you've done and whatever. Just be interested in them. That's the mind shift. The behavioral shift, this is how to make it happen. Real simple. Ask more questions. I know, I know this is like so basic, but we don't do it, right? We get caught up in our old behaviors, and it really is as easy as asking more questions. Now, a lot of people will get caught up in like, well, what's the right question? And my answer is the curious one, which still doesn't help. Now, if you're new at like figuring out how to demonstrate interest in other human beings, it's helpful to have some like questions in the in your back pocket, right? Some stock questions that you use all the time. Um, eventually, once you get the habit, once it becomes normal, then you could just be interested in people and ask them questions is what I do. Hell, my freaking podcast, the Learnings and Missteps podcast, I think I've had four or five recent interviews where I it was my the first time I had a conversation with the person I was talking to. And it's easy for me because I'm just going to ask questions because I don't know them. I know a little bit about them, you know, whatever I got from the bio that they sent me or the thing that they have on LinkedIn and Instagram or whatever. And I just want to learn more about them. So you can go check it out. If you want to see what it looks like, go check out one of the episodes and you'll see it like for real, for real. Um, but main point is ask more

Stock Questions That Open Real Talk

SPEAKER_00 14:10

questions. That's the behavioral shift. When they make a statement, when they come and start talking to you, ask them a question about them. And it could be the some of the here's some easy ones. Number one, if they're wearing something interesting, ask, why are you wearing that? Where did you get that? How comfortable is that? Right? Those are kind of simple, but they count as a question and it opens up space for dialogue. And then, based on whatever they respond, ask another question. Don't like resist the urge to say, Oh, this is why I like to wear the oh no, no, no. Stop, don't take it back to you. Let them have it, celebrate their whole thing. Um, I gave you another question earlier, especially with strangers, like, what do you do to make people smile? Kind of can people almost never get to like they can't answer because they don't think about it, but it creates interest and we can start having a conversation, right? If you're on a job site, here are my favorite go-to. If you're out on a job site, and I I usually when I'm out, you know, bleeding a learning engagement, one of the things we want to do is go out and meet the people that are doing the work. And job sites, there's you know, dozens, sometimes hundreds, sometimes thousands of people on the job site. And it's funny because people spend all their life on the freaking job, or even at your workspace, if you're not on a construction site, you walk past people all the freaking time for years and you don't even know their name and you don't know nothing about them. So it's a good place to practice. And so on the job site, it's very simple. Introduce yourself. Hey, I'm Jesse, or whatever your name is, you don't have to use mine, and say, what is it about the trade that you like? Because they're in a specific trade. Are you local? Are are you from, like if you're here on my side of town, are you from San Antonio? I get to now I get to learn why they picked the trade, where they're from, right? Because, yeah, yeah, I've been in San Antonio my whole life, or no, man, I'm traveling or whatever. And then a third question is what is different about this project than other projects that you've been on, right? And you can restructure those questions for any environment. Why, hey, estimator, what made you decide to be an estimator? Have you always been working here in this part of town? Right? What is different about this job than the other jobs that you've had in your life? Super simple questions. Again, these are the back-of-pocket questions that you can have, but it helps you be interested in the human being. Again, I don't recommend just asking those questions and falling flat. Ask the question, they're gonna give you some intel, something strikes your fancy and you want to know a little bit more about it. Ask it because they will appreciate it, will make them feel valued. Actually, I'll say it a different way. When I'm interested in people, it's because I value them, I value their life six. I really want to understand how they think. Like they're it's important to me that I learn these things about them. And so when I demonstrate interest, what happens is connection starts building. They may or may not know anything about me, but they, hey, that dude was kind of cool, right? Because think about it on the other side. When people come up to you, usually, if it's management, they're they're nagging you, they're getting after you, they're reprimanding you, they're telling you to hurry up. And all of a sudden, this other weirdo comes and starts asking

Job Site Questions That Build Respect

SPEAKER_00 17:20

questions like what's your name? Where are you from? What do you care about? What do you like? And yeah, it's a totally foreign experience. More importantly, it's an experience that they valued, that they liked and assigned to you. So you get cred, you get street cred and they like you, and then they advocate for you. That is not gonna happen if all you ever do is come up and tell them how awesome you are and give them your resume and your credentials, right? It won't happen. There, you're just gonna be another one of everybody else. And so if you pump the brakes, disengage from your objectives and your agenda, and really demonstrate interest in the human being in front of you, or human beings, plural, also, some of you are facilitators and talk to groups and do public speaking, it will be a hundred percent, a hundred degrees different than what they're used to, and they will remember you. So if you're just popping in and you missed it, we're talking about the little cheat codes that I learned that help me help people like me more. And it, the, the, the takeaway, the writer-downer is be more interested than interesting. Stop trying to impress people, start learning about the person in front of you. Learn anything about them. Like one of my, I get this, actually, I was on a call with Samantha yesterday, and she's like, Jesse, did you cut your hair? I was like, No, I still have I'm just I have a point, like I'm at ponytail length now. She asked me a question, and it I still remember like, oh wow, she noticed. Like, she cares. That's awesome. Because she asked me a question. And so that's like as basic as I can get it, folks. Be more interested than interesting. Spend more time learning about the person in front of you, little factoids, deep question, doesn't matter, but shift from flooding them with your resume and your certificates and your credentials, and like we don't get ribbons for perfect attendance anymore. Nobody cares in real life. When the human-to-human contact, it really comes down to connection. And how best do you build connection? You do it by asking questions. So, mind shift number one: learn about the person in front of you. If you haven't learned anything about the person you're talking to, you're not asking questions. If your mouth is moving, guess what? You can't learn if your mouth is moving. The behavioral shift is ask more questions, deep, simple, generic ones. Um, and here's a here's a measurement tool, if you will, to go out there and help you kind of gauge whether you're doing it or not. Is measure your air time, right? And so when you're talking to a person, one-on-one, small group, doesn't matter, are you making mouth noise longer than everybody else? If you are, you're at risk, right? You're at risk of spending too much time being interested. And I've done this many, many, many times. Somebody asks me a question and I give them 10 years of freaking history and context before I answer the question. That's why I'm pretty good at doing these little live streams. Um, and then I could see people kind of like yawning and their eyes glazing over, and I'm like, oh my God, I'm doing it again, but I can't stop. Oh, what do I do with my hands? And so my point is like it's difficult, it's a practice that you have to practice it. It's a discipline. And as you do it, the more reps you get in, the better you'll be about it, be at it. And so, one way to measure that, if especially if you're early on, is did you make more mouth noise than everybody

Measure Airtime And Rein It In

SPEAKER_00 20:45

else? If you did, you got work to do. In some cases, like it makes sense, right? That you do most of the talking. In other cases, it doesn't. And the goal is to have less airtime than the other person, meaning they talk more, they make more mouth noise than you do in the three to five minutes you're talking. If they get three minutes of airtime and you get two minutes, that's good. That's what you want to work towards. It's not gonna happen if you don't ask questions. And what's the value of asking questions? People feel appreciated. And when people feel appreciated, they will come back for more. And when and that and they will advocate for you, and that's how I figured out how to help people like me more is by shutting my damn mouth, demonstrating interest in the people, and letting the thing grow and mature the way it needs to grow and mature. So now, which is kind of interesting, right? Because I've just been bumping my gums for 23 freaking minutes and I could go another hour, but I want to invite you to the construction leadership lab because on those calls, guess what? I I'm very, very cognizant of the airtime, and we're really focused on having all those freaking OG leaders share their thoughts, share their perspective, act, ask their questions so that we can like transfer the immense volume of knowledge of all the leaders that are on the call. And if you're looking for that type of experience and you know or understand the value of surrounding yourself with OG ballers, hit me up, drop community in the chat. I'll get you a link so that you can be a part of that community. And if not, it's okay. Be kind to yourself, be cool, and we'll talk at you next time. Peace, chicken, but not.