Aug. 7, 2025

Chelsea Boateng: Empowering Women to Own Their Story

Reclaiming the Voice of Professional Moms with Chelsea Boateng In this episode of the Learnings and Missteps podcast, host Jesse interviews Chelsea Boateng, founder of The Professional Parent. Chelsea shares her expertise in helping high-achieving women navigate the intersection of professional and motherhood identities. They discuss the mental and emotional load carried by mothers, the importance of reclaiming one's voice, and the steps women can take to design a life that aligns with thei...

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Season 3

Reclaiming the Voice of Professional Moms with Chelsea Boateng


In this episode of the Learnings and Missteps podcast, host Jesse interviews Chelsea Boateng, founder of The Professional Parent. Chelsea shares her expertise in helping high-achieving women navigate the intersection of professional and motherhood identities. They discuss the mental and emotional load carried by mothers, the importance of reclaiming one's voice, and the steps women can take to design a life that aligns with their values and desires. Chelsea emphasizes the need to break free from societal and cultural conditioning to create a balanced life. The conversation is insightful and filled with personal anecdotes and practical advice for women looking to redefine their successes and find joy in their accomplishments.

00:00 Introduction and Guest Introduction

00:45 Chelsea's Background and Mission

02:22 Challenges of Balancing Motherhood and Career

04:58 Personal Experiences and Reflections

06:59 Communication and Relationship Dynamics

16:44 Strategies for Effective Communication

29:51 Owning Your Business and Breaking Cycles

30:13 Balancing a Dream Job and Personal Relationships

31:51 Setting Alarms for Relationship Check-ins

33:59 The Emotional Labor of Women

40:20 Reclaiming Your Voice and Values

49:23 The 12-Week Transformation Program

53:24 Connecting with Chelsea for Coaching

56:28 The Promise You Are Intended to Be

01:00:00 Final Thoughts and Free Book Offer

Make yourself a priority and get more done: https://www.depthbuilder.com/do-the-damn-thing

Download a PDF copy of Becoming the Promise You are Intended to Be
https://www.depthbuilder.com/books

00:00 - The Lion's Share of Work

10:28 - Patterns of Silent Overfunction

17:42 - Values and Communication Systems

32:22 - Ownership vs. Blame in Relationships

43:33 - Reclaim, Redesign, Rebuild Framework

55:42 - Born to Speak: Chelsea's Promise

WEBVTT

00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:03.146
Even if you're not quite that person that you know necessarily is born to speak.

00:00:03.146 --> 00:00:05.512
Everybody deserves to have their voice heard.

00:00:10.281 --> 00:00:39.712
What is going on L&M family Back again, and this time I got a super awesome guest that does some magical wizardry that is going to resonate with everybody because she does stuff with moms and, like we all have one of those, she is a seasoned navigator of professional and motherhood identity, which, if you know that, clashes very often unfairly.

00:00:39.712 --> 00:00:45.125
It's what it is, but she's helping with that and it's not something that she studies or conceptually thinks about.

00:00:45.125 --> 00:00:50.573
She's a mother of four and she's the founder of Be Professional Parent.

00:00:50.573 --> 00:00:52.664
Her name is Ms Chelsea.

00:00:52.664 --> 00:00:54.890
Oh, I didn't even see your name right.

00:00:54.890 --> 00:00:55.692
How do I say your last name?

00:00:55.719 --> 00:00:57.104
That's okay, it's Boateng.

00:00:58.167 --> 00:00:58.630
Boateng.

00:00:58.901 --> 00:01:00.085
Yes, very good, you got it.

00:01:01.981 --> 00:01:08.453
She is the founder of Professional Parent, Ms Chelsea Boateng, coming in.

00:01:08.453 --> 00:01:35.742
We connected on a group call with Fabi and we're getting better at our messaging and all the Learnings and Missteps podcast, where you get to see how real people just like you are sharing their gifts and talents to leave this world better than they found it.

00:01:35.742 --> 00:01:42.462
I'm Jesse, your selfish servant, and we are about to get to know Miss Chelsea.

00:01:42.462 --> 00:01:44.808
Miss Chelsea, how are you doing?

00:01:45.168 --> 00:01:46.471
I am doing wonderful.

00:01:46.471 --> 00:01:49.305
I'm so excited to be here with you today.

00:01:49.305 --> 00:01:54.605
I love your energy and I feel like it matches mine, so it's all we all know it's going to be good.

00:01:54.625 --> 00:01:57.552
All right, that's a warning, folks.

00:01:57.552 --> 00:01:59.343
This might be a six hour podcast.

00:01:59.343 --> 00:02:00.004
You never know.

00:02:00.004 --> 00:02:04.414
And, folks, I'm just going to spill the beans.

00:02:04.414 --> 00:02:10.026
This is Chelsea's first ever podcast, so this is going to be.

00:02:10.026 --> 00:02:11.551
This is the bottom of the barrel.

00:02:11.551 --> 00:02:13.467
Everything is all upheld from here.

00:02:13.467 --> 00:02:14.905
She's going to be amazing.

00:02:14.925 --> 00:02:15.668
What are you talking about?

00:02:17.663 --> 00:02:18.426
I love it.

00:02:18.426 --> 00:02:19.914
I love it, all right.

00:02:19.914 --> 00:02:22.262
So I got a real simple question.

00:02:22.262 --> 00:02:23.644
So I got a real simple question.

00:02:23.644 --> 00:02:30.772
Yeah, why is helping women navigate parenthood and their professional experience meaningful to you?

00:02:31.032 --> 00:02:33.436
Wow, you just started the six-hour train here.

00:02:33.436 --> 00:02:45.006
No, so you know, at the real core of it, women make up 50% of our planet, right?

00:02:45.006 --> 00:02:54.454
And what we notice with research and statistics and just kind of like movements is 50% of the planet is doing like 67% of the work.

00:02:54.454 --> 00:03:24.104
And I don't necessarily mean like men aren't contributing, because of course they are, but what we notice is that even though women have gravitated into the workplace, pretty much out of requirement I know, for me, my house can't function with a one-person income, so it's required that we have two incomes and for most people, especially in America at this point, that's the case.

00:03:24.104 --> 00:03:37.532
And so what we've noticed is that we've taken women and we've put them in the workforce and said, yes, you can be all that, you can be, reach for the stars and then they become mothers, which they probably wanted to do.

00:03:37.532 --> 00:03:44.241
For the population that I work with, most of them, it was planned for, or at least you know it was something that they really wanted.

00:03:44.241 --> 00:04:09.600
And then they get into motherhood and they're in their professional career and they realize they are doing the lion's share of the work and also have not been given the skills and tools and strategies to use their voice to say hold up, what's happening here.

00:04:09.600 --> 00:04:11.546
I didn't sign up for this, this is not what I thought it was going to be.

00:04:11.546 --> 00:04:16.927
And they don't know how to use their voice because then they're told well, you're ungrateful, didn't you want this?

00:04:16.927 --> 00:04:52.829
No, this was your dream, and sure it was the dream, but the dream kind of didn't exactly pan out the way that you were hoping for, because I think if you look at it and you talk to most women, the dream is joy, yes, with your family and being able to find your purpose, not burying all of that so you can be this over-functioning, silent workhorse in your career and at home.

00:04:54.250 --> 00:04:57.002
And that was me and I for a long time.

00:04:57.002 --> 00:05:00.658
That was me, and not because I didn't have a partner who cared.

00:05:00.658 --> 00:05:02.225
I've been married for oh, I think we're gone 10 years now.

00:05:02.225 --> 00:05:03.451
Yeah, so you know I've been married for 10 years.

00:05:03.451 --> 00:05:04.858
I've been married for oh, I think we're gone 10 years now.

00:05:04.858 --> 00:05:06.281
Yeah, so you know I've been married for 10 years.

00:05:06.281 --> 00:05:12.704
I've had kids for a little bit after that, my oldest twins are nine and then I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old.

00:05:12.704 --> 00:05:37.129
So I'm in the thick of it and also have had, you know, them grow up a little bit and what I realized is, you know, it wasn't that my partner didn't care at all or that I didn't care, but both of us had this like conditioning and we developed these like patterns of behavior, especially me as a woman, and especially as an ambitious, high achieving woman.

00:05:37.129 --> 00:05:46.713
I had developed these patterns of behavior that were silent, they were over-functioning and I was applauded for doing those things.

00:05:47.353 --> 00:05:48.435
So they were reinforced.

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They were reinforced.

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They said yes, you're amazing, I can't believe you did all that.

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That's crazy.

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You know you just have it all together.

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You know we'll figure it out, aka, I'll figure it out and somebody else will benefit, right.

00:06:01.865 --> 00:06:23.084
And so I recognize that, like everybody would say to me, I love the life that you live, you have such a beautiful life and I would say and I would nod and say, yes, I'm so grateful, I'm so blessed, and on the inside I'm screaming because I'm saying I don't feel that this is beautiful.

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What do you mean?

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This is beauty, you know.

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I do.

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Well, I don't know, because I'm on the other side of that coin, right.

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Yeah, I assume, and here's the degree of how I know, I got a lot of exes, chelsea.

00:06:39.607 --> 00:06:50.910
I got two ex-wives and I got a whole lot of other exes that I tried to count and I have no idea and I think not entirely, but there is an end.

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Part of the reason, one of the many reasons that they're exes, is because of that.

00:06:55.232 --> 00:06:58.283
Now I'm going to say some of it.

00:06:58.322 --> 00:07:09.000
I was blind, but, as you were taught, and again, because of conditioning, right, the conditions around us say there's these expectations for a dude, there's expectations for a lady, and then we just kind of adopt it and it's what it is.

00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:26.911
That's not an excuse, it's a reality we deal with Now, I will say for sure, my second wife you know I can keep count of all the wives she asked me for a divorce and I thought the marriage was phenomenal, it was the ultimate.

00:07:26.911 --> 00:07:28.562
I'm like what in the world?

00:07:28.562 --> 00:07:29.985
Where is this coming from?

00:07:29.985 --> 00:07:32.130
Right, we got the three bed.

00:07:32.130 --> 00:07:32.880
We didn't have any kids.

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Three bedroom house, two car garage, the truck, the car, vacations I'm deep sea fishing at least once a month, playing softball four nights a day.

00:07:41.894 --> 00:07:42.980
What's the problem?

00:07:44.184 --> 00:07:45.247
I don't see your problem.

00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:47.281
Exactly.

00:07:47.281 --> 00:08:00.620
But my point in sharing that was I was blind to what her experience was for, whatever right, and I'll say I didn't care to understand what her, I was doing my job, yeah, that was my perspective.

00:08:00.620 --> 00:08:08.221
Now, what was happening with her and what made it easy for her to say, yeah, okay, fine, forget it.

00:08:08.221 --> 00:08:24.728
I mean it wasn't that easy, but eventually it got there was the level of resentment that she had built up for against me for all of the micro cuts that I was delivering by being deaf, dumb and blind to what was happening.

00:08:24.728 --> 00:08:29.185
That was the core of the thing, and so I share that.

00:08:29.185 --> 00:08:32.211
So you've mentioned the lion's share of the work.

00:08:32.211 --> 00:08:36.950
I want to dig into that here in a second, but first I want to like back to your experience.

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People are saying this is so amazing.

00:08:39.022 --> 00:08:44.471
You're a super mom and you're Wonder Woman, like all of these things, and you're like shut the hell up, I'm miserable.

00:08:44.613 --> 00:08:45.433
And I don't want to be.

00:08:46.981 --> 00:08:58.147
So, like this resentment thing I'm going to say comes from not having the tools to articulate dissatisfaction, can we talk about that A hundred?

00:08:58.167 --> 00:08:58.528
percent.

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That is literally the core of the women that I help and, honestly, what I went through and you know, so I'll get into that in a second we're going to do the LNM family member shout out, and this one goes to Miss Laura Nelson.

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Miss Laura took the time to leave this comment on a post on the LinkedIn.

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She says this line hit hard.

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Self-reliance was part of my sickness.

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Receiving help was the medicine.

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Congratulations on nine years.

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What a gift you're giving by sharing your story and your book.

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And so, folks, if you don't know, on June 23rd I celebrated nine years of sobriety.

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All of you out there, the L&M family, y'all are 100% contributors to me, my ability to stay on the path.

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Amazing supportive comments like that, shares and ratings and all the other things also contribute to me staying on the path.

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And so, please, if you take the time to leave a comment, leave a review, all the things.

00:10:02.464 --> 00:10:06.828
It gives me a beautiful excuse to shout you out in a future episode.

00:10:11.293 --> 00:10:19.448
I mostly have women who, like, are kind of in that like zero to five, like their age ranges are, like for their kids are zero to five.

00:10:19.448 --> 00:10:22.681
Sometimes they have one, sometimes it's two, you know, whatever it is more.

00:10:22.681 --> 00:11:08.466
But and I would wonder if you can attest to this too, because while women are feeling that resentment and lack of trust with their partners, also feeling that lack of trust and resentment because they can't do anything right and so, yeah, so it's this idea of you know well, you don't trust me to do anything with the kids.

00:11:08.466 --> 00:11:17.091
You don't trust, like, every time I do something, you go ahead and you do it over or you just assume that I can't, you didn't even ask me.

00:11:17.091 --> 00:11:20.563
And so the women oh my gosh, is he ever going to see?

00:11:20.563 --> 00:11:24.192
You know what I'm doing and step in to help and the guys.

00:11:24.192 --> 00:11:24.975
Every time I try to step in to help.

00:11:24.975 --> 00:11:26.097
You know what I'm doing and step into help and the guys.

00:11:26.097 --> 00:11:26.798
Every time I try to step into help.

00:11:26.818 --> 00:11:27.080
I do it wrong.

00:11:27.539 --> 00:11:31.624
I do it wrong and she tells me to redo it or something like that, and so it's so.

00:11:31.624 --> 00:11:41.472
You know, my goal in life, actually someday along the road, would be to support women who are like almost in that like pregnancy stage, before the resentment and trust.

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I'm not quite there yet, but before that resentment and trust, because there's a lot of repair that needs to be done when you're in that stage, and I also do like kind of partner work, you know, to support that.

00:11:54.591 --> 00:12:09.283
And so I think what happens, kind of going back to your original question, with that, resentment is it is resentment, resentment is it is resentment.

00:12:09.283 --> 00:12:15.764
But what I've discovered for myself and I think a lot of times with women, if they can take that step to see it, the resentment isn't their partner, they're projecting it on their safe person.

00:12:15.764 --> 00:12:20.494
The resentment is where they are in life and how they got there.

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They're resenting themselves.

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But what I have discovered and what my goal is to shift for women is that, if you can say, this is a choice you get to change it.

00:12:53.903 --> 00:12:56.991
I love that, because you and I are 100% aligned.

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This is not about blame, no, it's about ownership.

00:13:00.370 --> 00:13:03.467
Yes, only your part of the problem.

00:13:03.548 --> 00:13:03.808
Yes.

00:13:04.129 --> 00:13:06.341
Right, I'm going to quote my buddy, sean Moran.

00:13:06.341 --> 00:13:08.001
He said this on the call.

00:13:08.001 --> 00:13:10.183
I was like, oh, that's freaking genius, I'm stealing it.

00:13:10.183 --> 00:13:18.269
He said no matter what every problem we experience, we are at least 1% of that problem.

00:13:18.269 --> 00:13:23.133
Yes, yes, minimum yes, and so not blame, it's taking ownership.

00:13:23.133 --> 00:13:36.333
Now I want to go back to the other side, because the resentment I can, we can feel it right, we know that there's this growing force field, but that's thickening between us when we're in those relationships.

00:13:36.333 --> 00:13:42.510
And you know one, the nitpickiness about whatever the behavior is like.

00:13:42.510 --> 00:13:43.913
I don't play that game anymore.

00:13:43.913 --> 00:13:44.964
That's why I'm single.

00:13:44.964 --> 00:13:49.750
I'm like I don't have pets, people or plants in my life because I ain't got time for that, right.

00:13:50.221 --> 00:13:51.325
My energy is my energy.

00:13:52.248 --> 00:13:54.313
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and so, but here's the.

00:13:54.313 --> 00:13:56.240
Here's what me specifically.

00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:07.995
I can't say it's the same thing for all men, but what ends up happening is it all becomes static, Mm-hmm, Like it all just sounds the same because it never says anything.

00:14:07.995 --> 00:14:08.620
It never.

00:14:08.620 --> 00:14:18.591
When I say it, like the, I'll give you this very specific example and this is dumb, but this is how dense I am my, my ex at when we were together.

00:14:18.591 --> 00:14:23.690
She's like here's the problem is, you're playing softball all the time, You're fishing all the time, and you work all the time.

00:14:23.690 --> 00:14:27.379
You're playing softball all the time, You're fishing all the time and you work all the time.

00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:33.922
And I'm like, okay.

00:14:33.922 --> 00:14:36.309
And she's like well, you stay late, you go to work, you leave the house at five 30.

00:14:36.309 --> 00:14:37.453
You're not on the clock till seven.

00:14:37.453 --> 00:14:40.741
You don't get home till six or 7 PM and you get out like the.

00:14:40.741 --> 00:14:42.504
I know the guys leave at three 30.

00:14:42.544 --> 00:14:43.586
I was a foreman at the time.

00:14:43.586 --> 00:14:48.014
I was a plumbing foreman and I'm like, yeah, but I need to learn how to get good at the job.

00:14:48.014 --> 00:14:51.828
I'm putting extra time because I want to learn and succeed.

00:14:51.828 --> 00:14:53.438
It was like the first or second project I was ever the foreman on.

00:14:53.438 --> 00:15:08.501
And her brain she's like I don't care, fool, You're getting paid eight hours, that's my time, but that was the idea anyways.

00:15:08.501 --> 00:15:09.303
So she's like I want you home.

00:15:09.303 --> 00:15:09.845
Okay, so I would come home.

00:15:09.845 --> 00:15:18.010
And she's in the other room and I'm like why the hell am I home If we're not going to be together, like I could be learning and getting ahead at my job?

00:15:18.010 --> 00:15:20.259
So then that kind of.

00:15:20.259 --> 00:15:24.527
Then I was like, okay, well, then I'm going to have some beers with the guys, which I was a heavy drinker.

00:15:24.527 --> 00:15:28.354
Like I said, I'm nine years sober now, but back then I was drinking all the time, Thank you.

00:15:34.899 --> 00:15:37.884
And I would get in trouble for getting home late, for not coming home when I said I was going to come.

00:15:37.884 --> 00:15:42.890
Well, we found out at the end of it, it didn't matter if I was at the bar, if I was at work, if I was at the ballpark or fishing.

00:15:42.890 --> 00:15:54.159
What mattered was that I wasn't home with her period.

00:15:54.179 --> 00:15:55.743
And so when we finally came to like it was done.

00:15:55.783 --> 00:15:57.066
She said, man I just wanted you home with me.

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And she said I thought when we got married that you would then be home.

00:16:01.312 --> 00:16:06.168
And I said you never said that, right, yes, right.

00:16:06.168 --> 00:16:09.504
You never said those words I want you home with me.

00:16:09.504 --> 00:16:18.402
What I heard was you're working too much, you're out with the guys too much, you're playing ball too much, and when I'm home, the TV's too loud, you're watching the wrong channel.

00:16:18.402 --> 00:16:19.445
Why do you always got to play?

00:16:19.445 --> 00:16:23.556
At the time I was playing Lord of the Rings on my PlayStation.

00:16:23.556 --> 00:16:25.159
I'm like so it doesn't matter.

00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:26.679
Like no matter what, I'm doing something wrong.

00:16:26.679 --> 00:16:36.054
What I didn't understand and what would have helped was that very clear language of I want you home, right.

00:16:36.054 --> 00:16:40.788
That was the issue, and that didn't come out until six years.

00:16:41.259 --> 00:16:50.841
Yes, exactly six years.

00:16:51.101 --> 00:16:53.452
Yes, exactly In terms of what you do with mothers.

00:16:53.452 --> 00:16:54.336
What does that look like?

00:16:54.336 --> 00:16:54.618
Helping?

00:16:54.618 --> 00:16:57.522
I'm going to say it this way.

00:16:57.522 --> 00:17:02.010
It may not be like help clarify this for me, but what does it look like to help somebody who doesn't have the tools to speak clearly?

00:17:02.010 --> 00:17:08.404
And because I know they all think that they're being clear and direct yes, but they're not.

00:17:08.404 --> 00:17:10.770
So what does that transformation look like?

00:17:10.770 --> 00:17:11.780
How do you get them there?

00:17:11.941 --> 00:17:14.488
Yes, so excellent question.

00:17:14.488 --> 00:17:20.603
And so what has to happen first before you can start with the communication piece?

00:17:20.603 --> 00:17:41.071
Because especially the women that I work with so I'm not saying necessarily this is all women, even if you can kind of relate to this but specifically the women I work with, typically their voice is the issue where you know they've been probably since they were little have been basically told like, hey, you're too sensitive, You're too emotional, Stop talking.

00:17:41.071 --> 00:17:50.242
You know that doesn't matter, that didn't happen, you know whatever and oh, but you did an excellent job doing that, and so that's where they decided their worth is in their performance.

00:17:50.242 --> 00:17:59.806
So, specifically speaking about this, but I also think this could, you know, work with other people who didn't necessarily speak, you know, didn't necessarily have that experience.

00:17:59.806 --> 00:18:06.068
What you have to do first is you have to get rooted in your values.

00:18:07.568 --> 00:18:15.011
And you have to get rooted in you, designing the life that you actually want.

00:18:15.011 --> 00:18:20.433
If you do not know what that is, you can't communicate it.

00:18:20.433 --> 00:18:22.334
You can only like.

00:18:22.334 --> 00:18:24.535
What happened with you is communicate the symptoms.

00:18:24.535 --> 00:18:29.537
I don't like X, I don't like X, I don't like Y, why?

00:18:29.537 --> 00:18:47.761
Because for somebody else and you know, if you find another partner, maybe they don't care right.

00:18:47.761 --> 00:18:51.292
So it really you have to get rooted in what it is that you, what your values are like, what your true values are.

00:18:51.292 --> 00:18:55.670
So if that is, you know, a value of ours, yours, that or, sorry, whoever's, if your value is when we're done with work.

00:18:55.670 --> 00:19:00.987
We're done with work and we're coming home and we're going to spend time together or we're going to be at home, what does that look like?

00:19:00.987 --> 00:19:02.349
You know that kind of thing.

00:19:02.349 --> 00:19:08.665
So the values piece is huge because you have to figure out what it is you want Now.

00:19:08.665 --> 00:19:10.811
That's going to change, it's going to evolve.

00:19:10.811 --> 00:19:14.710
You know it might look differently now than it does later, and that's okay.

00:19:15.681 --> 00:19:26.701
But having those continuous, you know, like inner reflections for yourself oh hey, that didn't sit right with me Before I communicate, why didn't that sit right with me?

00:19:26.701 --> 00:19:28.665
Like, why did that?

00:19:28.665 --> 00:19:30.950
Why did I respond in that way?

00:19:30.950 --> 00:19:35.307
And sometimes it's later, sometimes it's after a fight and you don't know why you were triggered.

00:19:35.307 --> 00:19:42.098
You evolve, but you know you have to sit with yourself because you were triggered and so that's your ownership.

00:19:42.239 --> 00:19:43.123
Why were you triggered?

00:19:43.123 --> 00:19:53.728
You could have the best reason ever, but you still have to figure out why you were triggered, to figure out what it is that you want differently, and so that's one of the things that I do.

00:19:53.728 --> 00:20:11.406
It's kind of like that first phase for the women that I work with is kind of really rooting yourself and reclaiming what it is that you want in your life, because if you don't have that foundation, then you can't communicate it, you can't tell other people.

00:20:11.406 --> 00:20:19.208
So that's kind of the first piece, and then the next piece once you've kind of figured that out for yourself again, at least baseline, at least you know the real basics, what-.

00:20:19.539 --> 00:20:20.684
Have an idea right.

00:20:21.046 --> 00:20:23.988
And I always because that can seem like a huge thing, right.

00:20:23.988 --> 00:20:32.787
So what I do when I work with women well, this is what I do with anybody, but specifically when I work with my population is what is the thing that's most impactful for you right now?

00:20:32.787 --> 00:20:36.173
What is the thing that hurts the most?

00:20:36.173 --> 00:20:37.441
Start there.

00:20:37.441 --> 00:20:39.104
Now some women are like no, thank you.

00:20:39.104 --> 00:20:41.827
I'm like okay, if you don't want to do that, then what's the easiest thing?

00:20:41.827 --> 00:20:44.011
So it's on the spectrum.

00:20:44.011 --> 00:20:45.921
I meet them where they're at.

00:20:45.921 --> 00:20:58.566
But that's usually I try to start with most impactful first, because you know if you can get that part piece a little bit shifted, you know you start at least feeling better, you start seeing that results, but some of it.

00:20:58.586 --> 00:21:00.852
Okay, this is going to be, this is going to be a good thing.

00:21:00.852 --> 00:21:01.800
Exactly.

00:21:01.941 --> 00:21:03.282
And so usually I kind of start there.

00:21:03.282 --> 00:21:09.593
I don't do everything, and then so, once you kind of get rooted in, ok, this thing is impactful for me.

00:21:09.593 --> 00:21:10.795
What is it that?

00:21:10.795 --> 00:21:12.605
What's my value?

00:21:12.605 --> 00:21:13.387
What's my desire?

00:21:13.387 --> 00:21:14.570
What's my, what's my need?

00:21:14.570 --> 00:21:16.676
What's happening for me here?

00:21:16.676 --> 00:21:18.221
Let me get clear on that.

00:21:18.221 --> 00:21:20.061
And then what happens?

00:21:20.241 --> 00:21:21.102
Is you need to rebuild the systems?

00:21:21.102 --> 00:21:22.363
Is you need to rebuild the systems?

00:21:22.363 --> 00:21:26.384
And part of those systems are the communication systems.

00:21:26.384 --> 00:21:34.469
That is crucial to a successful partnership in anything.

00:21:34.469 --> 00:21:37.049
There's a reason we're over-meeting Seth.

00:21:37.049 --> 00:21:41.872
I don't care what profession you're in, you have too many meetings.

00:21:41.872 --> 00:21:53.798
That could have been an email, yes, I know that, and so the reason is, though, is because communication is huge and we don't do that in our relationships.

00:21:53.798 --> 00:22:14.660
Yeah, we don't do that, and then, when you bring children into it, it's so challenging, especially young children to make sure that you have that time, and so what I share with women is you know, the woman that I work with is to rebuild those systems.

00:22:14.660 --> 00:22:27.875
You have to have pre-planned, scheduled as sexy as that sounds time with your partner, sexy as that sounds, time with your partner, that you're both at baseline, that you are both.

00:22:27.875 --> 00:22:34.406
There's some ground rules.

00:22:34.468 --> 00:22:44.686
We use nonviolent communication principles use your iMessages right, which I know is cliche, but there's a reason it's powerful because it doesn't trigger the other person Exactly, and part of it is.

00:22:44.988 --> 00:22:46.551
I need to get to the root of this.

00:22:46.551 --> 00:23:02.842
If you're in a partnership and you started off in your partnership loving and caring about your partner, and your partner loves and cares for you Now, again, I'm not saying that our relationships are like that and I'm talking about the ones that are, though you know, especially my.

00:23:02.842 --> 00:23:05.846
You know high performing, high achieving women.

00:23:05.846 --> 00:23:13.064
They found their powerhouse partner Like they have vetted, and they chose, you know, their partner accordingly.

00:23:13.064 --> 00:23:20.290
And again, you know things happen, but in general, you know you both got together because you loved and cared for one another.

00:23:20.290 --> 00:23:36.066
So, bringing that energy in and reminding yourselves of that, having any type of like ritual that helps remind you of that, but something like that where it's like every week, you know we are going to talk about how things are going.

00:23:36.066 --> 00:23:39.640
Yeah, whatever it is, what was great for you this week?

00:23:39.640 --> 00:23:41.243
What happened with you this week?

00:23:41.243 --> 00:23:53.660
Now, with your point, as I'm going to use you as an example for a second and so you were sharing about how you wanted to get ahead in your job with learning being a foreman, right?

00:23:53.660 --> 00:23:54.742
Yep.

00:23:55.143 --> 00:23:57.367
So what would happen in these meetings?

00:23:57.367 --> 00:24:11.494
Right, and again, I have less somewhat structure, but they are organic, like they're what you want it to be, but essentially you would have the opportunity to say hey, babe, I am so excited about learning this thing.

00:24:11.494 --> 00:24:16.490
You know, I really, you know, I decided that this is where I want to go.

00:24:16.490 --> 00:24:19.042
You know, for right now, and I really want to do this thing.

00:24:19.042 --> 00:24:22.592
How can we make it work so that I can do this thing?

00:24:22.592 --> 00:24:28.328
But you know I love you and I know it means I'm going to take that time away from us.

00:24:28.328 --> 00:24:38.407
How can we make it work that I still get to you know, connect with you and also get to do this thing that I really want to do?

00:24:38.407 --> 00:24:41.134
Yeah, you see that difference Totally.

00:24:42.162 --> 00:25:06.892
It's such a different conversation and then she potentially I don't know who she is, so if she hears this, I'm sorry if I'm speaking for you, but she may have had the opportunity to say wow, that's going to be really hard for me because this thing, whatever it is, you know this is coming up for me, and then you can talk about it and figure it out Right.

00:25:06.932 --> 00:25:07.093
Yeah.

00:25:07.794 --> 00:25:36.178
And so, and what I found too is and in this example you were using you and didn't have that, that, you know experience but what I found is most men of course I'm not a man, so sorry if I'm speaking for people, but most men find it easier to say that Most women do not find it easy to say I'm excited about this thing and I'm going to need your help to make it happen.

00:25:36.540 --> 00:25:48.871
I mean, that's a foreign concept for most women, especially women that I work with that have that kind of like those patterns of behavior that have left them in like the silent overfunction.

00:25:48.871 --> 00:25:55.544
And so it's really getting kind of to the root of that and validating that.

00:25:55.544 --> 00:26:05.336
You know you are also allowed to have your joys and your passions and your needs and your wants just as much as anybody else that you're taking care of and that you're giving.

00:26:05.336 --> 00:26:25.555
And so how do you create the systems and structures to be able to use that voice and know that it's not going to be dismissed or that it's not going to be, you know, kind of taken lightly or you know, whatever the case is, because that is, I mean seriously a game changer?

00:26:27.156 --> 00:26:28.538
Agreed, agreed.

00:26:28.538 --> 00:26:35.351
So here's what I heard, and it's a super justification of it, which means I'm just going to be super, super simple.

00:26:35.351 --> 00:26:35.731
Love it.

00:26:35.731 --> 00:26:37.303
You're working with them.

00:26:37.303 --> 00:26:39.410
And these are mothers, right?

00:26:39.410 --> 00:26:45.208
Yes, women that have children and professional the whole thing right, the superheroes of our country.

00:26:45.208 --> 00:26:50.593
It's ownership, values, communication systems and structure.

00:26:50.593 --> 00:26:55.941
I'm a huge advocate of ownership For me.

00:26:55.941 --> 00:27:03.371
I read the book Men's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and there's one quote in there that just transformed the way I saw the world.

00:27:03.371 --> 00:27:05.848
It said there's a space between stimulus and response.

00:27:05.848 --> 00:27:17.508
Within that space lies my power to choose, yes, and the more I use that power, the bigger the space becomes Like oh, I can't be a victim anymore.

00:27:17.508 --> 00:27:20.561
It's not, she made me mad, he made me no, no, no, no, no.

00:27:20.561 --> 00:27:22.906
I responded to the stimulus yes.

00:27:23.890 --> 00:27:24.852
I responded in anger.

00:27:25.940 --> 00:27:27.964
Correct and then getting clear on our values.

00:27:27.964 --> 00:27:29.028
Back to my side of it.

00:27:29.028 --> 00:27:31.032
I didn't know this back then.

00:27:31.032 --> 00:27:34.823
It took me a while and now I'm super clear.

00:27:34.823 --> 00:27:44.455
Like I will not sacrifice the amount of time, effort and energy that my goals require.

00:27:44.455 --> 00:27:45.948
It's a value of mine.

00:27:45.948 --> 00:27:54.080
Like I can pretend to like yes, I'm not going to answer my phone, I'm not going to check my email, I'm not going to think about work.

00:27:54.080 --> 00:27:54.641
That's a lie.

00:27:54.641 --> 00:27:55.340
I'm not going to think about work.

00:27:55.340 --> 00:27:55.601
That's a lie.

00:27:55.601 --> 00:28:02.825
If that is a problem and it will be we don't need to even go any further.

00:28:02.825 --> 00:28:08.968
Right, that's why I don't have people, plants or pets in my life, because I got clear about what my now.

00:28:08.968 --> 00:28:14.750
But here's the thing, right, most relationships we're in our damn twenties, so yeah.

00:28:14.809 --> 00:28:16.550
I know we're working on what we're doing right.

00:28:16.550 --> 00:28:22.733
So I think that situation, naturally it's a loose foundation.

00:28:22.834 --> 00:28:22.993
Yeah.

00:28:23.253 --> 00:28:31.838
But back to what I love about what you're saying is okay, we're going to work on ownership, Then we're going to get clear about what your values are, progressively right.

00:28:34.779 --> 00:28:36.381
It's not like a test that you pass or fail.

00:28:36.780 --> 00:28:38.102
No, these are my 10 values forever.

00:28:38.102 --> 00:28:39.742
Right, exactly Because you said it earlier.

00:28:39.742 --> 00:28:41.443
We evolve as human beings.

00:28:41.443 --> 00:28:56.032
And then the communication because it's something I like to help remind people is making mouth noise does not qualify as communication, right Intentional communication and listening.

00:28:56.032 --> 00:29:05.758
Yes, If we are not listening to words, body language, tone, tempo, the communication is not happening.

00:29:05.758 --> 00:29:12.249
Yeah, if you told me again I want you home by 9 o'clock, okay.

00:29:15.292 --> 00:29:16.714
Sounds great, I can do that.

00:29:21.660 --> 00:29:23.405
Yeah, and I'm not going to be home by 9 o'clock, so I didn't receive the.

00:29:23.405 --> 00:29:23.727
So I love that.

00:29:23.727 --> 00:29:25.051
And then the systems and structure.

00:29:25.051 --> 00:29:25.512
I agree.

00:29:25.512 --> 00:29:34.586
I mean here maybe I'll get some bonus points back from your audience, miss chelsea, because I know there's probably people like jesse you're such a jerk yes, I am, and I'm okay with it.

00:29:34.586 --> 00:29:35.607
No, I'm not a jerk.

00:29:35.607 --> 00:29:36.469
I yes, I am, and I'm okay with it.

00:29:36.469 --> 00:29:39.695
No, I'm not a jerk, I'm just pretty selfish.

00:29:44.839 --> 00:29:48.191
So another relationship, another amazing, very accomplished woman that I got to spend some time with, that kicked me out.

00:29:48.191 --> 00:29:51.642
Part of the problem was similar scenario Like this cycle has played out so many times.

00:29:51.642 --> 00:29:52.865
So, guys, let me try this.

00:29:52.865 --> 00:29:53.626
Guys out there.

00:29:53.626 --> 00:29:58.682
L and M family member, all you dudes, all my bros, stop being a fool, man, own your business.

00:29:58.682 --> 00:30:04.648
You're playing through the same game, the running the same place, having the same cycles, and you can make a decision.

00:30:04.829 --> 00:30:12.869
Anyways, this one relationship came like it's falling apart, and I had started a new job.

00:30:12.869 --> 00:30:17.429
Right, I got, I got recruited to have this regional position big giant responsibility.

00:30:17.429 --> 00:30:17.451
Why Like?

00:30:17.451 --> 00:30:17.582
It was amazing, like a dream job.

00:30:17.582 --> 00:30:23.476
Right, I got recruited to have this regional position big giant responsibility, it was amazing, like a dream job, but still a dream job when I had it.

00:30:23.476 --> 00:30:30.712
And so the way I function is when there's a new challenge, it is the sole 100% thing that is going to get all my attention.

00:30:31.359 --> 00:30:58.377
It was a traveling role, so I was flying all over the country to do my job and in my brain I'm going to leave out Sunday evening so that I can be ready and on-site or at the office at 7 o'clock in the morning on Monday and I'm going to fly home Friday night because I need to go and make relationships, learn the business, learn the people.

00:30:58.377 --> 00:30:58.900
Now I understand.

00:30:58.900 --> 00:31:00.181
Here's the part that is hard.

00:31:00.181 --> 00:31:04.188
It's a a hard sell, but it's for real in my head by the when I leave to the airport, I'm working.

00:31:04.188 --> 00:31:11.950
I'm not thinking about texting or calling or checking in like it's not in my brain.

00:31:11.950 --> 00:31:13.955
I know that's not okay, it just isn't.

00:31:13.955 --> 00:31:17.205
And so she was like bro, like you don't even call you.

00:31:17.205 --> 00:31:18.128
What am I supposed to think?

00:31:18.128 --> 00:31:24.220
I'm like, um, then I'm working Right, but I recognize that's an unreasonable expectation.

00:31:24.500 --> 00:31:32.905
So here's where I think I got brownie points when she was articulate, cause she was like this was a good thing, cause it wasn't a lot of the passive, aggressive miscommunications.

00:31:32.905 --> 00:31:38.540
It was clearly a misalignment of values, right, that I overlooked, or maybe we overlooked.

00:31:38.540 --> 00:31:47.511
Anyways, she was like, dude, like that's not okay, you like that is not okay for you not to call, check in, just to totally forget about me.

00:31:47.511 --> 00:31:51.142
I'm like, but I didn't forget, I'm just not calling you Right.

00:31:51.142 --> 00:31:54.146
So I said, okay, that's, I can do that.

00:31:54.146 --> 00:31:59.154
So I set an alarm on my calendar, on my Outlook calendar.

00:31:59.154 --> 00:32:06.470
I said at 6.03, and I picked weird numbers, sure, so it wasn't like right, 6.03, I'm going to text her good morning.

00:32:06.470 --> 00:32:09.710
At 11.48, I'm going to give her a call.

00:32:09.710 --> 00:32:14.490
That's lunchtime-ish, and then in the evening, about 5.42, I'm going to call or text her also.

00:32:14.490 --> 00:32:24.574
And I'd have these reminders because if I didn't have them, I was just going to I'm in the zone, yeah, and so I'm thinking well, first let me ask you do I get points for that?

00:32:24.753 --> 00:32:25.414
A hundred percent.

00:32:25.414 --> 00:32:33.913
You built a system, you listened, you put something in place to support you and what she was saying, absolutely Right.

00:32:42.480 --> 00:32:43.321
Oh, it didn't give me no point.

00:32:43.321 --> 00:32:44.765
Sister, I know that you put that thing in your stupid calendar.

00:32:44.765 --> 00:32:46.188
I'm like, but I did what you want.

00:32:46.188 --> 00:32:48.291
And so again, people are buying a thing.

00:32:48.291 --> 00:32:49.580
This dude's a nutcase.

00:32:49.580 --> 00:32:51.926
Yes, I had to do that.

00:32:51.926 --> 00:32:58.170
And so then I'm like, but I'm doing what you asked me to, and it's kind of like the I can't remember some friends that show.

00:32:58.170 --> 00:33:01.442
I want you to want to wash the dishes, yeah, at the breakup.

00:33:01.482 --> 00:33:04.111
I was just going to say that, where are you, where are you?

00:33:04.111 --> 00:33:08.964
I was just going to bring that up.

00:33:08.964 --> 00:33:11.652
Is that I want you to want to do the dishes?

00:33:13.340 --> 00:33:16.844
And girl, that ain't going to happen, and so I share all of that.

00:33:16.844 --> 00:33:28.637
One, because I like letting people know how sick I am in the head, but two for the guys out there if you have a thing that is a non-negotiable, that is going to be a problem, bring it up early.

00:33:28.637 --> 00:33:36.452
Don't hide it, don't be the polish it up knight in shining armor and then take off the mask later.

00:33:36.452 --> 00:33:37.885
Just be who you are.

00:33:37.885 --> 00:33:45.740
So I'm sorry I'm doing more talking than I should, but I love the ownership, I love the values.

00:33:45.740 --> 00:33:58.588
Communication systems completely agree, and here's what I think is ultimate about it is that it's replicable and people can progress at their own rate, which I'm sure you're guiding them down that path to get them there.

00:33:59.710 --> 00:34:06.123
Now I want to go back to the lion's share of the work and I want to say this first.

00:34:06.123 --> 00:34:13.204
I was raised by a single mom and people asked the question of what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

00:34:13.204 --> 00:34:14.286
Here's what I would do.

00:34:14.286 --> 00:34:27.503
I would build a program or an experience where I could equip single mothers with the skills to earn money doing what they love and provide affordable housing while they were doing that.

00:34:27.503 --> 00:34:38.793
100% Right, because I know what that women sacrifice their professional careers, they sacrifice their social career, they sacrifice a lot to have kids.

00:34:38.793 --> 00:34:46.460
I get it Now in terms of the lion's share of the work, because that's a phrase you've used a couple.

00:34:46.460 --> 00:34:49.867
Are you talking about the emotional labor?

00:34:49.867 --> 00:34:52.052
Are you talking about the house chores?

00:34:52.052 --> 00:34:56.242
What constitute the lion's share of the work?

00:34:56.742 --> 00:35:44.829
Yeah, so what I typically the way that I talk about it is more it's the emotional labor and the mental load labor of managing kind of the not only your house, but if you have that pattern of behavior in your own house, you also probably have it at work as well, and that's what at least I've noticed, in that I actually call them powerhouse patterns because it's this idea of there's these certain patterns of behavior that most especially, like high achieving women have, and what happens is at work you know your HR or your boss says here's your slice of the work and you just put that powerhouse pattern in there and then you're great and you clock off.

00:35:44.829 --> 00:35:50.108
And then you come home and there's no HR team to give you the slice, you have the whole pie.

00:35:50.108 --> 00:36:04.228
So it's really this idea of that invisible emotional labor that you are constantly having in your head and also it could be doing the physical tasks, like that is part of it.

00:36:04.228 --> 00:36:23.266
And when I say physical tasks, like there's a difference between you know, a partner having to mow the lawn once a week and having to do 462 loads of laundry every day, you split up and you say I'm going to do the yard work and I'm going to do the laundry.

00:36:23.266 --> 00:36:38.728
One is inherently more than the other, right, and you know there's memes and things like that about that all over, but really so there's that aspect, but it's not only just the laundry it's thinking about.

00:36:38.847 --> 00:36:39.909
Okay, it's Sunday night.

00:36:39.909 --> 00:36:43.773
Does everybody have at least five outfits that they can wear for the next week?

00:36:43.773 --> 00:36:47.496
Because we can't send them to school naked, right, why not?

00:36:47.496 --> 00:36:49.887
I will have to call ZBS.

00:36:49.887 --> 00:36:55.871
You know Zabi will have to call ZBS, or we can't send them in stained clothing, although that's happened before.

00:36:58.882 --> 00:37:00.668
So it's keeping track of that.

00:37:00.668 --> 00:37:09.639
It's keeping track of okay, on Tuesdays, I have to make sure my oldest had their recorders and the kids had, you know, the other two had this for daycare.

00:37:09.639 --> 00:37:12.690
I have to make sure, oh, whose wellness appointments are coming up.

00:37:12.690 --> 00:37:16.932
You know who's scheduling all those things who needs this haircut, who needs this permission slip coming up?

00:37:16.932 --> 00:37:20.876
You know who's scheduling all those things, who needs this haircut, who needs this permission slip.

00:37:20.876 --> 00:37:27.443
So it's keeping track of that and also having that fine balance of that emotional work of okay.

00:37:27.443 --> 00:37:31.492
So kids are this way and you're this way and partner's this way.

00:37:31.492 --> 00:37:55.789
And now there's some conflict and I'm going to come in and stabilize or, you know, soothe the situation over and, hey guys, we can't say this, because then it's going to trigger this, and with all of that, then you're only taking care of everybody else, like your whole brain is consumed by taking care of anybody else and everybody's like, oh yeah, you're awesome, you're amazing.

00:37:56.019 --> 00:38:02.132
And inside you're like, yeah, but I'm not enjoying this, like I'm not, this is not what I want to do.

00:38:02.132 --> 00:38:09.393
And so when I say the lion's share of the work, it can be kind of like that physical task, you know, type thing.

00:38:09.393 --> 00:38:13.722
But it's really this idea of like on the day to day.

00:38:13.722 --> 00:38:42.733
How much mental energy and time women spend on working on other people's wants, needs and desires is far more typically I wouldn't say all, but typically than men, and because of that societal and family and cultural conditioning, not so much because they can't or they won't or, you know, they don't care to.

00:38:43.773 --> 00:38:55.159
Yeah, oh, my goodness, I love this Because you probably know what my response would be Like whatever they're going to wear, if they don't wash their own clothes, they're going to wear dirty ass clothes, right, and I'm okay with that.

00:38:55.159 --> 00:39:01.052
Right Now, this question might not make sense, so please challenge it.

00:39:01.052 --> 00:39:23.684
How much of the work that you do in this, because I completely understand agree, 100% the emotional labor, the thought, the cognitive load that mothers and women take on is astronomically greater than any men I know, and I know a bunch of them.

00:39:23.684 --> 00:39:27.851
Right, it's like why would you do that, anyways?

00:39:27.851 --> 00:39:40.012
So my question is this knowing that's a fact, accept it to be a fact how much of the work that you do is helping the women that you work with?

00:39:40.012 --> 00:39:45.284
Let go of some of the small crap, yes, A lot of it.

00:39:46.300 --> 00:39:47.565
It really is Okay.

00:39:47.565 --> 00:39:48.708
Good, a hundred percent.

00:39:48.708 --> 00:39:58.664
Yeah, because the thing is for me is I'm actually the looser between me and my husband about sending the kids in with dirty clothes, like I use that as an example.

00:39:58.664 --> 00:40:05.876
But for me, yeah, I actually implemented a rule because they're older and I was like if it doesn't get in the basket, it's not getting washed.

00:40:05.876 --> 00:40:10.311
So if you have to go in dirty underwear, then that's for you, because I'm washing if it's in the basket.

00:40:10.860 --> 00:40:11.903
I've done that all my life.

00:40:12.003 --> 00:40:14.492
Whereas my husband be like no, you have to go change your clothes.

00:40:14.492 --> 00:40:23.443
So it's interesting, and I'll actually speak to that in a second, because I think that's an important piece of the values alignment.

00:40:23.443 --> 00:40:33.050
But part of what is helpful in rooting in values is then to be able to say okay, if these are your values and this is how you want to design your motherhood.

00:40:33.050 --> 00:40:40.036
I also use this tool of figuring out what your highest use is.

00:40:40.036 --> 00:40:45.242
So, for example, I'll use me as an example.

00:40:45.242 --> 00:40:48.148
I do not go grocery shopping.

00:40:48.148 --> 00:40:50.173
I use Instacart.

00:40:50.173 --> 00:40:55.847
Absolutely my highest use is not going to the store and picking up my produce.

00:40:55.847 --> 00:41:02.804
If I get a bad batch of avocados this one week sorry, we're not having avocados, like you know.

00:41:02.804 --> 00:41:03.164
Like.

00:41:03.264 --> 00:41:04.570
I don't care enough about it.

00:41:04.570 --> 00:41:06.487
Most of my groceries will be great.

00:41:06.487 --> 00:41:09.626
It helps keep me on budget and I can do it throughout the week.

00:41:09.626 --> 00:41:11.005
Hit submit on the weekend.

00:41:11.005 --> 00:41:11.567
Go pick it up.

00:41:11.567 --> 00:41:16.807
It's 15 minutes away and I don't have to spend two hours, you know, in the grocery store.

00:41:17.188 --> 00:41:20.713
Rambling the kid, getting them ready to go to like all of that Exactly.

00:41:20.893 --> 00:41:21.635
I don't have to do that.

00:41:21.635 --> 00:41:23.927
So that's one way for me.

00:41:23.927 --> 00:41:30.994
Now I will say now, if your job is a chef, that could be your highest use, right?

00:41:30.994 --> 00:41:34.931
So I'm not saying, I'm just saying for me personally, you have to figure out.

00:41:34.931 --> 00:41:43.320
So it's this combination of what are your values, your desires, your wants, your needs, and then is that what you're prioritizing in your life?

00:41:43.320 --> 00:41:48.141
Now I'm not saying there's going to be things that you can avoid, Like you have to do things that you don't like.

00:41:48.141 --> 00:41:50.425
That's different, Right.

00:41:50.425 --> 00:41:57.324
But is there a way I actually have my clients do what's called like an Eisenhower matrix?

00:41:58.086 --> 00:42:15.166
Oh, I don't know, I don't know if you've ever heard of that, but essentially, yes, but really, if it's not in the category of like need and highest priority that you need to do both professionally and at home, then is there somebody else that can do it, or does it even have to get done?

00:42:15.166 --> 00:42:17.969
Is it even something that matters?

00:42:17.969 --> 00:42:35.047
Right, yes, and part of that also is that you know repatterning of behaviors and it's that that d or that word is escaping me the, the Basically getting rid of those societal and cultural and family messages.

00:42:35.047 --> 00:43:09.393
Because even when women are doing things that they know they be true, following your instincts and your gut about, do you have happy, healthy, you know children and are you doing what's best for them?

00:43:09.393 --> 00:43:15.918
You know, then, okay, the rest of it doesn't matter and we can let some of that go, and that can be.

00:43:15.918 --> 00:43:20.695
That's really challenging to kind of get through, but it 100% can be done.

00:43:22.007 --> 00:43:26.264
And what I tell women a lot is and people in general.

00:43:26.264 --> 00:43:48.061
But your brain is rewiring itself constantly and so if your baseline is here and your pathways are here, if you spend the next 12 weeks with me and I'm asking you to do something repetitively, by the end of the 12 weeks your brain's going to start rewiring.

00:43:48.061 --> 00:43:51.333
So that's the new baseline and you'll do it automatically.

00:43:51.333 --> 00:44:06.777
And so, even when women are like oh I don't know, like I'm not sure if I'm, and I'm like, do it anyway, just try, even if you don't believe it's gonna work, even if you're like this is the dumbest thing, I don't care, just do it anyway.

00:44:06.777 --> 00:44:16.358
We one, you'll gain your confidence in doing it and, two, you're gonna start to see that it's easier and your brain starts to think that way.

00:44:16.918 --> 00:44:20.150
It's like taking a deep breath after the stimuli, before the response.

00:44:20.150 --> 00:44:25.512
If you can train your brain to do that, it will do it right.

00:44:25.512 --> 00:44:42.728
You can train your thoughts the same way as your behaviors, where, if your child goes out of the house and they have food on their pants and your original reaction was, oh my gosh, people are going to think I'm the worst human being ever and that I never do laundry to well, that sucks for them.

00:44:42.728 --> 00:44:51.496
But you can retrain your brain that way and it takes some time and it takes some effort and rewiring, but you can do it.

00:44:51.496 --> 00:44:58.836
And then you get rid of that anxiety that you had for really no reason other than what you thought society was going to think about you.

00:45:00.389 --> 00:45:01.557
Oh my God, Chelsea.

00:45:01.557 --> 00:45:16.121
Okay, I imagine that when you're working with these powerful women, powerful professional mothers, that every now and then there's a lot of tears.

00:45:16.846 --> 00:45:19.110
Oh, a hundred percent for both of us sometimes.

00:45:19.713 --> 00:45:21.476
Yes, I'm an empathetic crier.

00:45:21.476 --> 00:45:26.137
You know I'm not guess, right, you can cry.

00:45:26.137 --> 00:45:31.152
I've worked, actually I've worked with another amazing woman and she was like Jesse, I cry a lot.

00:45:31.152 --> 00:45:36.554
I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad and I'm like okay, how would you like me to respond?

00:45:36.554 --> 00:45:41.077
She's actually, I would like it if you just didn't pay, didn't even acknowledge it doing it.

00:45:41.304 --> 00:45:43.371
I was like oh great, I can do that.

00:45:43.371 --> 00:45:43.954
I got back.

00:45:45.166 --> 00:45:46.512
No problem, sister.

00:45:46.512 --> 00:45:48.934
And it was one time it was a real sad situation.

00:45:48.934 --> 00:45:58.193
She was crying and I just kept going with like the instructions, what were, the plan was and whatever.

00:45:58.193 --> 00:45:59.780
And some somebody else in the meeting is like dude, do you not even see that?

00:45:59.780 --> 00:46:00.081
She's crying?

00:46:00.081 --> 00:46:02.989
Like, yeah, but she cries all the time and she's like this was fine.

00:46:02.989 --> 00:46:04.994
Anyways, fast forward.

00:46:04.994 --> 00:46:15.677
Afterwards she's like Jess, you know, when you told me you weren't going to have a problem, I didn't believe you, but there's something wrong with you the way you have like no problem at all, like yeah, fair enough.

00:46:15.677 --> 00:46:17.251
Anyways, that's side note.

00:46:17.251 --> 00:46:20.213
But back to the tears.

00:46:20.213 --> 00:46:27.418
What I recognize is when people have that shift, that transformative shift around.

00:46:27.418 --> 00:46:45.860
Oh, I'm getting chill Around discovering that they have been playing to a script that somebody else wrote for somebody else and they have been letting these fumes of expectations govern their life for so long.

00:46:45.860 --> 00:46:47.469
Is that what you see?

00:46:49.235 --> 00:46:51.952
Yeah, and it happens at different points.

00:46:51.952 --> 00:47:00.996
I have some women that it's like two weeks in and it happens, and I have some women that it's not necessarily till maybe the end that it happens.

00:47:00.996 --> 00:47:09.219
And I've had women too who got great benefit but didn't have the shift until a little bit later after they were.

00:47:09.219 --> 00:47:17.492
You know, I'd never finished with working with anybody, but maybe later after kind of the program and but usually they tell me about it.

00:47:17.793 --> 00:47:17.934
Yeah.

00:47:18.144 --> 00:47:28.396
And because the thing is, the tears are like this cathartic release of being able to say, oh my gosh, like it's done.

00:47:28.396 --> 00:47:30.572
That's typically what I see with the tears.

00:47:30.572 --> 00:47:36.349
It's I can release that and now it's done and I can move forward, like I've let it go.

00:47:36.349 --> 00:47:44.135
And there's still going to be things that pop up, but the way that the brain works, tears are a sign of help me.

00:47:44.697 --> 00:47:48.914
Okay, that is a survival function of tears.

00:47:48.914 --> 00:47:56.034
Right, sadness and tears, but we know we cry when we're happy too, but in general tears are it's a cathartic release.

00:47:56.034 --> 00:48:01.376
It releases hormones and things like that that help us kind of move through things.

00:48:01.376 --> 00:48:42.221
But it's also assigned to other people that we need help, and so in those moments, typically what I see with tears is I can help myself, like I now know how to help myself, like I now know how to help myself, I've released it, I know what to do and it might be hard for me to implement sometimes, but I know what it's going to take for me to finally kind of escape these thoughts and these feelings and these patterns of behavior, to say, no, I'm moving on, I'm designing the life that I want, and then I can have joy and presence and engagement and not just be this background, invisible workhorse.

00:48:42.221 --> 00:48:43.905
You know that everybody praises.

00:48:45.268 --> 00:48:45.909
Right right.

00:48:45.929 --> 00:48:46.150
Yeah.

00:48:46.409 --> 00:49:00.920
You know, I think because I get to do similar, rather I get to have the same experiences with other people when I'm working with them and what I recognize it as like the most significant ones right, the ugly crane.

00:49:00.920 --> 00:49:11.972
Yeah, when people see right, oh, I've been playing this game Like nobody, I don't have to play that game anymore, and they forgive themselves about it.

00:49:12.414 --> 00:49:12.655
Yes.

00:49:12.976 --> 00:49:15.452
Right, like it's not being forgiving anybody.

00:49:15.452 --> 00:49:19.632
You got to forgive yourself first man Like it's okay.

00:49:19.632 --> 00:49:23.139
Oh my God, this is, it's amazing work.

00:49:23.139 --> 00:49:25.989
So it sounds like it's a 12 week deal.

00:49:25.989 --> 00:49:35.498
If I let's, I'm not a woman, but if I wanted to work with you and had kids and if I met the criteria, we'll just say that I want to get canceled here.

00:49:35.498 --> 00:49:39.590
Hey, miss Chelsea, I want to work with you.

00:49:39.590 --> 00:49:42.275
It's a 12 week deal, is it?

00:49:42.275 --> 00:49:44.005
Every day you're making me cry?

00:49:44.005 --> 00:49:44.807
What does that look like?

00:49:45.510 --> 00:49:45.791
No.

00:49:45.791 --> 00:50:05.284
So typically what it looks and the reason it's 12 weeks, it's because it's in three parts, and so I have my reclaim, redesign, rebuild, and so what it does is so it it's one-to-one each week, but then each week typically what happens is you kind of have an assignment, and so there's a series of like exercises that I'm asking you to go through.

00:50:05.284 --> 00:50:07.675
I might ask you to.

00:50:07.675 --> 00:50:08.679
This might be the.

00:50:08.739 --> 00:50:12.445
You know, the first session is usually like really getting down to your values, like those things.

00:50:12.445 --> 00:50:12.846
You know.

00:50:12.846 --> 00:50:14.007
What is it that you want?

00:50:14.007 --> 00:50:14.867
What is it that you need?

00:50:14.867 --> 00:50:15.487
What is it that you want?

00:50:15.487 --> 00:50:16.047
What is it that you need?

00:50:16.047 --> 00:50:16.628
What is it that is desired?

00:50:16.628 --> 00:50:20.650
What's that internal scream happening that nobody else gets to hear?

00:50:21.050 --> 00:50:23.572
And I want you to write that down on paper or usually type it.

00:50:23.572 --> 00:50:28.454
It's usually in a workbook, and so typically that's how that works.

00:50:28.454 --> 00:50:33.418
And then usually when we come on session, I'm asking kind of like how was that for you?

00:50:33.418 --> 00:50:34.838
What did that look like?

00:50:34.838 --> 00:50:37.641
Tell me what your values are, how is that showing up for you?

00:50:37.641 --> 00:50:56.748
And so I'm asking you to do some a little bit of homework each week, and then usually on the call is kind of when we're going through that shift of like mindset and those trigger points and kind of what's happening, and then sometimes it'll be something like, you know, I might've said, okay, you know, for the next.

00:50:56.748 --> 00:51:04.898
You know I want you to start planning with your partner when that time is for you guys to be able to connect and check in, do your check-in and kind of, how was that?

00:51:05.099 --> 00:51:06.744
Oh, it didn't happen, why didn't it happen?

00:51:06.744 --> 00:51:07.586
And you know.

00:51:07.586 --> 00:51:21.385
So then we go around that and it's a very open, nonjudgmental, like, very just, like, very just.

00:51:21.385 --> 00:51:31.369
My goal is for women to succeed, like that is literally my goal, and I feel like they have the confidence and voice and self-worth to succeed, and so the space that I hold for them is open and non-judgmental.

00:51:31.369 --> 00:51:37.500
Also because I've been there, I've 100% been in their shoes and not felt like.

00:51:38.125 --> 00:51:56.755
You know, it's a huge juxtaposition to be able to get up in front of 100 people and share presentation about expertise that you know, love and want to share with people, and then you can't go home and ask your partner if he could do bath tonight.

00:51:56.755 --> 00:52:00.775
I mean the cognitive dissonance of that.

00:52:00.775 --> 00:52:08.932
It feels shameful, like how can I be this person here and I cannot be this person.

00:52:08.932 --> 00:52:14.474
Or even I can't ask I can do this thing for my boss, but then I can't ask if we can hire another teammate because the work, you know, our client is huge and we have more work than we thought.

00:52:14.474 --> 00:52:14.659
And whatever.

00:52:14.630 --> 00:52:19.278
Ask I can do this thing for my boss, but then I can't ask if we can hire another teammate because the work, you know our client is huge and we have more work than we thought and whatever.

00:52:19.278 --> 00:52:27.715
You know things like that and so it's just, you know, kind of holding that space for them to say I've been there and I get it and I want you to be able to kind of work through that.

00:52:27.715 --> 00:52:31.811
So it's weekly one-to-one sessions and then a little bit of homework through them.

00:52:31.811 --> 00:52:39.695
Sometimes it's meditation, so I am mindfulness certified and so sometimes it's starting your self-care meditation practice, those kinds of things.

00:52:41.206 --> 00:52:46.338
Wow, okay, and so do I get a discount if I say I don't want the crying package, the nope tears?

00:52:47.085 --> 00:52:50.496
You know you can try, but I don't think it would win that bet.

00:52:50.516 --> 00:53:03.034
I haven't had one yet that hasn't cried, but again that's just the signal, like evidence of how impactful the work that you're doing, and you said something that you want to help women be successful.

00:53:03.034 --> 00:53:10.117
I think you are helping successful women enjoy their success.

00:53:10.478 --> 00:53:12.197
Yes, and redefining it.

00:53:12.581 --> 00:53:12.965
Defining yes.

00:53:12.965 --> 00:53:13.788
What does it mean?

00:53:13.807 --> 00:53:14.791
to be successful.

00:53:14.992 --> 00:53:16.568
Yes, yes, reclaim, redesign, rebuild, yes.

00:53:16.568 --> 00:53:17.434
And redefining it Defining, yes.

00:53:17.434 --> 00:53:18.217
What does it mean to be successful?

00:53:18.217 --> 00:53:20.788
Yes, yes, reclaim, redesign, rebuild, yes, I mean son of a gun.

00:53:20.788 --> 00:53:23.675
That's exciting, thank you, super exciting.

00:53:23.856 --> 00:53:24.297
I love it.

00:53:24.485 --> 00:53:32.054
Now, if somebody wants to start the reclamation process, do they text you?

00:53:32.054 --> 00:53:34.557
Do they stalk you on Facebook?

00:53:34.557 --> 00:53:37.485
What's the best way for the L&M family members to find you?

00:53:37.686 --> 00:53:39.675
Absolutely so the best way is.

00:53:39.675 --> 00:53:47.295
So I am on Facebook, so I'm at the Professional Parent on Facebook, instagram and TikTok, and so any of those are fine.

00:53:47.295 --> 00:53:56.416
You can send me a DM and I'm happy to answer that the best way is really through my email, which I think I've shared with you and you know I can.

00:53:56.416 --> 00:54:00.708
It's at thriveforwardcoaching, at gmailcom and so that.

00:54:00.708 --> 00:54:05.867
So either way, however, you can connect with me either through DM or through email.

00:54:05.867 --> 00:54:18.518
What happens is I will send you a booking link, and so I'm going to ask you to book a 15-minute call and then, once you pick the call with me, I will send you a reclaim your voice audit.

00:54:20.025 --> 00:54:39.210
And so what that's going to help you do is it's going to help me figure out for you where you feel like you're not able to have your voice and then on the call we can really look at a strategy that's going to help you take that first step in reclaiming your voice.

00:54:39.210 --> 00:54:43.172
So that's the best way Now that helps you get to know me a little bit.

00:54:43.172 --> 00:54:44.215
It's not a sales call.

00:54:44.215 --> 00:54:49.025
That helps you get to know me a little bit and it helps me get to know you just to make sure that it's a right fit.

00:54:49.025 --> 00:54:56.003
I would never put anybody through my program because it's a lot that I don't think it's the right fit for them.

00:54:56.003 --> 00:55:05.655
I would try to help them find something else if they needed to, but it helps me do that and then if we both feel like it's a good fit, then I would kind of pop you on a sales call.

00:55:05.675 --> 00:55:06.177
Move forward.

00:55:06.177 --> 00:55:06.637
Figure that out.

00:55:06.637 --> 00:55:08.407
Yeah, I love it.

00:55:08.407 --> 00:55:08.768
All right.

00:55:08.768 --> 00:55:16.057
So, folks, we're going to make sure we have the links in the show notes the TikTok, the Instagram, the Facebook, the email.

00:55:16.057 --> 00:55:20.494
They'll hit you up, you'll send them an intake form, they'll schedule a call.

00:55:20.494 --> 00:55:25.217
They get a little bit of you know information that they're going to provide to you so you can better serve them.

00:55:25.217 --> 00:55:27.371
That's a fabulous intake process.

00:55:27.371 --> 00:55:38.007
I'm like thank you, I'm too lazy for that, it's your private thing, I won't talk to you, but anyways, super, super awesome.

00:55:38.007 --> 00:55:40.050
All right, are you ready for the Grand Slam home run question.

00:55:40.090 --> 00:55:40.632
Ready, okay, hit me.

00:55:40.893 --> 00:55:41.693
And I'm excited.

00:55:41.693 --> 00:56:15.574
Actually, I think there might be some tears coming from this one, because again, I kind of I know my energy probably doesn't put off how much I value and appreciate single moms or just moms in general, but the fact that you're doing something to help them reclaim their life as a professional, as a mother, as a woman, as a partner, you're having tremendous impact, not just on those women but their children and their partners and their co-workers.

00:56:15.574 --> 00:56:25.927
You're transforming worlds upon worlds through the work that you're doing, and so what that tells me is your answer to this question is going to be pretty damn deep.

00:56:25.927 --> 00:56:32.813
And so here's the question what is the promise you are intended to be?

00:56:37.342 --> 00:56:37.965
you are intended to be.

00:56:37.965 --> 00:56:44.088
The promise that I'm intended to be, I might need a little more information.

00:56:44.108 --> 00:56:47.336
Yes, and I'll give you I'll make it a long answer so you can have time to think.

00:56:47.336 --> 00:56:59.817
Yeah, so that question comes from when I was in rehab the last time one of the therapists the counselors told me the problem isn't that you haven't admitted, the problem is that you haven't accepted.

00:56:59.817 --> 00:57:01.489
I said what the hell are we talking about?

00:57:01.489 --> 00:57:03.014
Sign my paper, because I need to get out of here.

00:57:03.014 --> 00:57:15.795
He says you've admitted that you have a problem, but what you haven't accepted is that if you continue to live life this way, you will never become the promise you are intended to be.

00:57:15.795 --> 00:57:19.869
And in that moment I knew everything flashed.

00:57:19.869 --> 00:57:33.771
All the times I disappointed people, all the times I robbed hope from people, all the times that I had a glimmer of inspiration of what I could be or might be and then squished it because it really wasn't for me.

00:57:33.771 --> 00:57:36.335
That was the promise.

00:57:36.335 --> 00:57:37.416
Does that help?

00:57:37.858 --> 00:57:38.820
Yeah, yeah.

00:57:38.820 --> 00:57:49.400
So for me, I think the promise that I was meant to be is I was born to speak.

00:57:49.400 --> 00:57:57.547
I don't know if you know anything about human design, but I am very heavily kind of involved in human design and what I am very heavily kind of involved in human design and what I've learned about myself and confirmed.

00:57:57.547 --> 00:58:13.085
I have what they call like an open kind of throat center and four defined gates, which it's actually a lot of gates Most people don't have that many but it just means that I was born to speak and I was silenced my whole life, Silenced my whole life.

00:58:13.085 --> 00:58:20.222
I had a very toxic upbringing and I was taught my whole life, Silenced my whole life.

00:58:20.242 --> 00:58:23.188
I had a very toxic upbringing and I was taught my whole life your words don't matter.

00:58:23.188 --> 00:58:29.059
And so that part of me that is huge, it's a huge part of me.

00:58:29.059 --> 00:58:33.737
I had to figure out how to do what I was born to do, but in a way that didn't align with me.

00:58:33.737 --> 00:58:50.487
And I think, even if you're not quite that person right, even if you're not quite that person that you know necessarily is born to speak, everybody deserves to have their voice heard, and so my promise is I am going to be that voice for you.

00:58:50.487 --> 00:59:00.221
I'm going to tell you that you're worthy and that you deserve it and that your desires are important and your needs are important and that you should have them.

00:59:00.945 --> 00:59:13.097
And so, if you can't be that voice right now, my promise to you is that I'm going to be that voice for you until you can and I want to, I mean every human, but I can only do what I can do.

00:59:13.097 --> 00:59:29.806
And so it's going to be for the women that I serve, and I 100% have my whole heart into that, for them, Because I think for so many of us, you know that's that life we've been led, and there's more when you can learn to use your voice.

00:59:29.806 --> 00:59:36.346
Oh my gosh, your whole life is going to change and I want everybody to know that it can happen for them.

00:59:36.346 --> 00:59:47.677
If it can happen for me, with somebody with my history and my trauma, if it can happen for me, it can happen for you and I know it can if you're willing to take kind of that first step.

00:59:48.885 --> 00:59:50.771
Wow, I got chills girl.

00:59:50.851 --> 00:59:53.650
Like so good, okay, I have to crack him.

00:59:54.844 --> 00:59:57.130
Wow, yeah, I told you it was going to be tears.

00:59:57.130 --> 01:00:06.094
I told you oh my God, Chelsea, thank you for being so vulnerable and bringing all of you to this conversation.

01:00:06.094 --> 01:00:07.436
Did you have fun?

01:00:07.737 --> 01:00:08.699
This was awesome.

01:00:08.699 --> 01:00:09.730
I love this.

01:00:11.271 --> 01:00:14.025
Thank you for sticking it out all the way to the end.

01:00:14.025 --> 01:00:26.693
I know you got a whole lot of stuff going on and, in appreciation for the gift of time that you have given this episode, I want to offer you a free PDF of my book Becoming the Promise You're Intended to Be.

01:00:26.693 --> 01:00:29.452
The link for that bad boy is down in the show notes.

01:00:29.452 --> 01:00:29.833
Hit it.

01:00:29.833 --> 01:00:32.251
You don't even have to give me your email address.

01:00:32.251 --> 01:00:33.175
There's a link in there.

01:00:33.175 --> 01:00:43.030
You just click that and you can download the PDF.

01:00:43.030 --> 01:00:47.384
And if you share it with somebody that you know who might feel stuck or be caught up in self-destructive behaviors, that would be the ultimate you sharing.

01:00:47.384 --> 01:00:52.472
That increases the likelihood that it's going to help one more person.

01:00:52.472 --> 01:01:05.778
And if it does help one more person, then you're contributing to me becoming the promise I am intended to be Be kind to yourself, be cool, and we'll talk at you next time.